The Music Of Marriage

SS 1.1-16; 2.8-14; Prov 18.21

 [I learned the biblical guidelines for effective communication in marriage from Adrian Rogers message the Music of Marriage and a portion of this message is resourced from that message.] 

[There is a Music in Marriage.] 

[Just as music can sing to our souls, sooth our sorrows, and heal our hurts.  So, godly communication in marriage can transform our homes.] 

[Marriage counselors say that at least 80% of all marriage problems are rooted in poor communications.] 

[If you are about to get married,
you will communicate or you marriage will disintegrate.] 

[Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.]  

[1 Peter 3:10 For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: ] 

[The Point is that we must learn to control our speech.] 

[If you can't communicate you can't stay together.] 

Read The Text. 

Five Basic Levels of Communication: 

1.   The Frivolous Level [- it deals in cliché's.  How's the weather, etc . . .] 

2.   The Factual level [- where we deal in facts.  Like a news commentator giving the facts.] 

3.   The Fellowship level [- where we talk about our ideas, judgments,  and philosophies.  Here we begin to risk a little bit because someone may criticize our ideas.] 

4.   The Feeling level [- Where we share what we really feel about the facts and our ideas.  This is about as far as most people get.] 

5.   The Freedom Level [- Where we freely share our dreams and ideas because there is no fear of rejection.] 

[a.  Intimacy - inmos (gk) - It deals with your inner most feelings and thoughts.  Your fears, your aspirations, your failures can be freely shared.] 

[b.  Know your wife - This is the secret of lasting love.  Often in the Bible when it refers to marriage the phrase used is ". . .knew his wife."] 

["To be completely known and still loved is the supreme goal of marriage."]
[Adrian Rogers] 

[c.  Physical intimacy is void without spiritual and psychological intimacy.] 

God's Model For Communication And Intimacy: (four things to notice in the Song of Solomon) 

A.  Their Words Are Plentiful - [They talk a lot.  Not only do they talk a lot, but notice how they talk.] 

1.   They Praise the others words (2:10, 14).  

[Song 2:10 My beloved spake, and said unto me, Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.] 

[Song 2:14 O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely.] 

[a.  One is free to give without embarrassment.] 

[b.  The other is free to receive without resentment.] 

[True intimacy is Freedom] 

[1)  Husbands and wives ought to speak one to another.  It seems that often the wife craves the husband's speech.] 

[Illustration:  Astronaut Michael Colons estimates that men speak 25,000 words a day, women speak 30,000 words a day.  While that is not a big difference, he says, the problem is that when he gets home he has use his 25,000 words and his wife hasn't used any of hers.] 

2. They Prefer the others wishes (vs 2:14) [–  O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely. - When we get older we often grow cold in our communication.  This is because:]

[a.  Men are goal oriented.  They have moved on to the next goal.  You might hear a man say:] 

[1)  "Can't you see I'm busy.  You ought to know that I love you.  I'm here aren't I."] 

[b.  Women are security oriented.  They need the intimacy of communication to feel safe.] 

[c. By preferring the needs and wishes of the other we will recognize their need and selflessly provide for it. 

B.  Their Words Are Personal.  [They say some very intimate things.] 

1.   You are Exceptional (vs 4.1-3; 2.14;4.1;5.2) [- You are unique.  The voice of my beloved . . . My love, my dove.] 

[Song 4:1-3 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead. 2Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them. 3Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.]  

[a.  They have special and personal, pet, private names for each other.  These say, you are unique to me.] 

[Song 2:14 O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely.]  

[Song 4:1 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves' eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.]  

[Song 5:2 I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.]  

2.   You are Exclusive (SS 2.3; 5.10; 2.16) [- He is number one]  

[Song 2:3 As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.]  

[Song 5:10 My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand.]  

[Song 2:16 My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.]  

C.  Their Words Are Positive (SS 5.2).  [There are no negative words of criticism in this book.] 

[Song 5:2 I sleep, but my heart waketh: it is the voice of my beloved that knocketh, saying, Open to me, my sister, my love, my dove, my undefiled: for my head is filled with dew, and my locks with the drops of the night.]  

1.   The positive Comparisons (SS 1.8) 

[Song 1:8 If thou know not, O thou fairest among women, go thy way forth by the footsteps of the flock, and feed thy kids beside the shepherds' tents. ] 

[a.  Salt adds flavor to food and grace adds flavor to speech (Col 4.6).  Salt preserves food, graceful speech preserves a relationship.] 

[Col. 4:6 Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.]  

[1)  Grace is not giving someone something they deserve; it gives them what they need.] 

[2)  Grace is to speech what color is to art.] 

2.   The Positive Conversion (SS 1.5-6; cf  7.10-12) [- Throughout this book a negative self esteem is converted into a positive self esteem.] 

[Song 1:5-6 I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon. 6Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother's children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.]  

[Song 7:10-12 I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me. 11Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field; let us lodge in the villages. 12Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine flourish, whether the tender grape appear, and the pomegranates bud forth: there will I give thee my loves.]  

[a.  One of the key ingredients to intimacy is acceptance.  If you are negative and critical it indicates that you have not accepted the other person.] 

[1)  We can't speak freely because we are afraid we won't be accepted.] 

[2)  Out of acceptance grows trust, and out of trust grows intimacy.] 

[3)  Intimacy can only grow where there is a place of safety.]

 ["When a person opens up and is criticized,
 then they will suffer under the trauma of that transparency,
and they will withdraw."]
[Adrian Rogers] 

D.  Their Words Are Passionate. 

1.   They kept the honey in the honeymoon (SS 6.4-10). 

[Song 6:4-10 Thou art beautiful, O my love, as Tirzah, comely as Jerusalem, terrible as an army with banners. 5Turn away thine eyes from me, for they have overcome me: thy hair is as a flock of goats that appear from Gilead. 6Thy teeth are as a flock of sheep which go up from the washing, whereof every one beareth twins, and there is not one barren among them. 7As a piece of a pomegranate are thy temples within thy locks. 8There are threescore queens, and fourscore concubines, and virgins without number. 9My dove, my undefiled is but one; she is the only one of her mother, she is the choice one of her that bare her. The daughters saw her, and blessed her; yea, the queens and the concubines, and they praised her. 10Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners? ] 

["Words of love may flow out of feeling,
but most of the time it is feeling that flow out of words."] 

[a.  Your words should sustain your marriage.]

[b.  Your words should repair hurt feelings.]

[c.  Your words should grow love.] 

[These four principles for communication are not easy.  In order to accomplish them we must adjust.  Often we regress, but we must persist.] 

[Intimacy in marriage brings an incredible freedom and creates a happy home.] 

 CrossRoads Baptist, Sunday Evening, November 25, 2007